Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #4

This week I’m continuing with Jennifer M Eaton’s Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop in which writers post 250 words of their current Work in Progress and then hop around and critique everyone else’s snippets. To join,  click here to sign up and add your name and web site address to the list.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time last week to offer a critique of my work.

This week’s snippet follows a little way after the 250 words featured last week from my novel Rani’s Right. I’ve skipped over a paragraph that will likely be cut. Again, in keeping with my laziness, I haven’t rewritten anything since last week so it’s still the same old draft. Our narrator is still trying to sort out what she actually wants to write but is starting to get her act together.

I should explain where we are rather than ramble all about the place. I’m writing this on August 21st 2004. Two months to the day. I’m back in Melbourne, Alfred Hospital burns unit. I was sent back not long after Rani’s death. I didn’t even get to say goodbye properly. Attend her funeral, I mean. Her body was shipped back to Singapore with all the other cargo. How degrading. I don’t even know if she had a funeral. I haven’t heard a thing from her family. Actually, Rani said on the plane during our brief conversation that her brother went away somewhere about four years ago and she hasn’t heard from him since. Her father was killed about six months before that in a work accident or something. Her mother is now widowed and without either of her children, poor woman. I’d never met her but felt that I knew her like my own mother from everything Rani told me during that year she was staying in Omeo. I desperately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that her daughter is a hero and that she didn’t die in vain. One day, I might see my wish granted. Maybe.

It’s a tad shorter than 250 but it ends at a natural break so I didn’t try to pad it out.

Please have a look at and, if possible, critique the work of these authors, while you’re here. look for this logo. It will take you to their latest critique post:Sunday Snippets

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://wyrmflight.wordpress.com/

http://www.mandyevebarnett.com

http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

https://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com

http://threepiecebikini.blogspot.com/

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://wordsbreathedupon.wordpress.com/blog/

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

 

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13 thoughts on “Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop #4

  1. Jennifer M Eaton

    This passage seems spot-on to me. If you were writing in standard fiction, I’d have to be all over you, but for writing in a diary, this is really good. I really can’t find anything to even nit-pick about it — other than how this format might be a hard sell to a publisher. Either that, or it’s genius. 🙂

    Reply
    1. Richard Leonard Post author

      Thank you for that, Jennifer! Yes, it has lots of fragmented sentences and other bits of laziness, but I figured for a diary it’s not entirely inappropriate, and I’ve tried to use that in her voice. I must work on the consistency of it throughout the rest of the MS, though.
      As for genius… I think it will be a hard sell regardless! 😉 Aren’t they all?

      Reply
  2. caitlinstern

    I’m really liking this. It feels like a diary–speculation and all. It might be easier to read with a paragraph break or two, though. Maybe at “Actually, Rani said on the plane…” since you’re jumping back there?
    I didn’t like the phrase “during our brief conversation” in that sentence. I have no good reason why, so perhaps you should ignore me. It just jolted me a little.
    You have some pronoun confusion in “I desperately wanted to give her a hug and tell her that her daughter is a hero and that she didn’t die in vain.” I know people do that, but all you have to do is delete that last ‘she’… “her daughter is a hero and didn’t die in vain.” and then it works!

    Reply
    1. Richard Leonard Post author

      Hi Caitlin. Yes, agree about the paragraph break. Good idea.
      And removing “during our brief conversation” reads better. “Rani said…” obvious occurred during a conversation so, yes, good point! Maybe “told me” instead of said, too?
      And the last pint, makes it much clearer.
      Thanks heaps!

      Reply
  3. Maddie Cochere

    Richard, I’ve read some snippets of this work, and was just about to ask you for a synopsis (because I’m a tad confused), but thought maybe I should look under that link up there which indicates, “works.” Thanks for some overview. I like this snippet today. I like that she has compassion for Rani’s mother and wants to give her a hug.

    Reply
    1. Richard Leonard Post author

      Yeah I’ve had some feedback from people who found it confusing. A lot of my earlier Six Sentence Sundays were snippets from random sections of the novel. You might have found them.
      Thanks for checking it out. 🙂
      Ms Hunter is home from Florida… 😉 Nearly finished!

      Reply
  4. Let's CUT the Crap!

    The fragmented sentences, I agree, work well here and show how upset the main character is and is acceptable in diary writing.
    I like lots of white space when I read and I wonder if this isn’t a good spot for a paragraph break? “I haven’t heard a thing from her family.”
    I’m getting into this, Richard. Lots to discover. Good reading.

    Reply
  5. katmwehr

    The voice of this narrator is crystal clear. It feels so sincere and true – I feel like I am very close to him/her as I read this! I have only one thing that hitched my attention as I read, and it is this sentence: “I’d never met her but felt that I knew her…” Is it the start of a new paragraph? I feel as though it should read “I’ve never met her, but I feel like I know her…” For some reason the tense just isn’t working for me at that point. It seems like we’ve changed directions. Unless (and now I’m stealing off others’ comments!) we are in fact reading a diary entry of some sort, in which case there are likely to be some grammatical switch ups! Thanks for posting!

    Reply
    1. Richard Leonard Post author

      Thanks Kat. You’re probably right about the paragraph break. And “I’d” vs “I’ve” – keep it in he present, right?. There seems to be a few places where a paragraph break is needed. And yes it is actually a diary entry. Thanks for stopping by with your comment. 🙂

      Reply

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