Six Sentence Sunday #25

6 Sentence Sunday LogoGood morning!

Here is yet another 6 from my NaNoWriMo novel from this year, The Rogue, wholly raw and unedited. This is a new scene not yet featured on 6SS and as I read it back I realise it’s a good example of the bad practice of changing POV within a paragraph in a 3rd person narrative. I remember starting this with the intention of writing from Travis’s point of view and it quickly changed to that of the already seated passenger. Hmm. Work is needed. See what you think.

 

Travis boarded the train with his pals and the six of them immediately took over a booth area of the train where a man was already sitting against the window. The boys were so loud other passengers immediately felt uncomfortable in their presence. The man beside the window ignored them and continued gazing out the window at whatever could prevent him making eye contact with the obnoxious louts who had just invaded his personal space. He wasn’t dressed up today. In fact he was incognito, doing an exercise to prove a point. He wanted to travel the city’s public transport system as a relatively poor man, a sharp contrast to his true lifestyle..

 

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14 thoughts on “Six Sentence Sunday #25

  1. ericjbaker

    I think reversing the sequence of the lead sentence and removing Travis’s name would reframe the passage appropriately. The rest of it seems fine for a first draft.

    Unless you weren’t asking for an opinion, in which case you can tell me to bugger off.

    Reply
    1. Richard Leonard Post author

      Thanks, Eric. No need to bugger off. Where I said “See what you think” pretty much invited all kinds of tongue lashings! See my comment below for generic response to all commenters.

      Reply
  2. Kate Warren

    ericjbaker said pretty much what I would say. Lead with this new character’s POV. It could open things up well. And if it doesn’t work you can always go back and rewrite it from Travis’ POV.

    Reply
  3. Richard Leonard Post author

    Ah good! Everyone suggested or agrees with what I originally thought. I didn’t want to put words in anyone’s mouth. Travis himself is almost irrelevant at this point. Well, that’s the idea of NaNo after all – get the ideas down and fix it later. Thanks for the affirmations, everyone! 🙂

    Reply
    1. Richard Leonard Post author

      I’ll have to find out what he got up to. I think I might have created to many characters during that NaNo exercise, and not developed them further. I’ve forgotten what a lot of them did! y the end of the month I’d even forgotten that some of them existed. Must put this into Scrivener, too before I totally lose track.

      Reply
        1. Richard Leonard Post author

          That was accidental. During Nano, and because I had no idea at the beginning, I found it easier to start afresh with new characters and a new situation, than to develop an existing one further. All toward getting the 50K words out. They are all related somehow to the Big Event but the job now will be to tie them all together. I have some ideas but I just realised this man incognito doesn’t have a name!

          Reply
          1. Maddie Cochere

            It’s interesting how NaNo is approached in so many ways. I find this fascinating that you wrote a story and created so many characters that you still have to breathe life and story into. I might try to write something one day that isn’t so quick and “breezy.”

            Reply

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